Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Am I Being Naive?

Yesterday, I went to the eye doctor with my dad to help him pick out glasses.  The lady who was measuring his face and processing his order for the frames mentioned that it was her first day back from maternity leave.  Someone asked her if this was her only child, and she responded with "My baby daddy has other children."  I noticed she wasn't wearing a ring.  She didn't refer to him as her boyfriend or fiance or husband, but as "my baby daddy."  

Some time passed, and I guess to make casual conversation, she told my dad that she felt like a bad mother because she forgot to put nipples in her baby's diaper bag when she left him at his grandma's house that morning.  She went on to say that her "baby daddy" was working and couldn't take the nipples to grandma's house either.  

I promptly updated my Facebook status.  It received some likes and comments.  Even Mr. Robinson commented!  :)  

Gina is my super-slut cousin.  Some history with her.  She dated this guy named Lane all throughout high school.  Her friends tried to get her to date other guys, she refused.  She was in love.  They got married shortly after they graduated.  Soon after that, she got pregnant and they had a daughter.  About a year later, she started working as a nurse's assistant at a doctor's office two towns over.  She started sleeping with a man who was 20 years old than her and had THREE children.  She left her husband, told him she didn't love him anymore, and had found somebody else.  He tried to change, to work on their marriage, etc.  She refused and told him that she hated him, never should have married him.  I still see him around, he's remained heartbroken for the past 15 years and has not dated or re-married.  He still loves her.  So, while I would typically side with her on the whole "never say never" thing, I was majorly offended by her comment.

To me, it felt like she implying that I (or my husband) would cheat.  So, screw you Gina, and you you can read what I commented beneath her snarky little comment on my status.  I was a little annoyed, but I went to bed thinking.. Well, that's the end of that.

I wake up this morning and see a comment from a dear friend of mine I used to wait tables with, who is going through some really difficult health problems, has three children, her husband has left her, & they are legally separated.  This was her comment:    

I never intended for this status to be controversial.

Before we got married, Mr. Robinson and I had a discussion about what we feel constitutes or justifies a divorce.  For any of you soon-to-be-Brides out there, I think it's important to have this conversation before the wedding.  It's always a good idea to know where your spouse stands on important issues, such as divorce.  So, Mr. Robinson and I were in agreement that we would get divorced under two circumstances:

(1) Infidelity
(2) Extreme Abuse Over a Long Period of Time  

We feel like our beliefs are scripture based, and those are the ONLY two circumstances in which a divorce is acceptable in the eyes of God.  We didn't get married and promise FOREVER, but have our fingers crossed behind our backs.  We didn't say "For Better & For Worse, EXCEPT when you forget to take out the trash..."  We both took and take our vows very seriously and do everything we can to ensure our marriage is a success story.  God is at the center of our marriage, and to me, that's the single most important aspect of ANY marriage.  Marriage is not about TWO people.  It's about THREE.  Without God, I wouldn't be able to forgive my husband when he wrongs me, I wouldn't be able to be selfless, I wouldn't be a wife who had any chance of keeping her husband & going to heaven.  So, that's my soap box on divorce.  I kept it short, and you're welcome.

Back to the story.  I was in the process of commenting back to Cristine.  I typed up three different responses and nothing felt right.  I know that she is going through some really tough things right now and I truly do hurt for her.  I pray for her and their children, and even her husband.  Theirs was not a Christian marriage, and I honestly thing think that a lot of their problems stemmed from that.  

How do I respond to what feels like an attack on my beliefs & morals, without attacking her?  I never intended my status to step on toes or offend anyone.  It did occur to me that someone might get a little snappy with me, but that doesn't change the fact that I AM GLAD I won't have to call someone "my baby daddy."  Sure, maybe as a joke some day, but not seriously..  I don't know.  When I hear "my baby daddy" I automatically assume that the girl who is speaking HAS to call him that because they have no other relationship. 
A man & a woman have a child.
If they were dating, he'd be her BOYFRIEND.
If they had dated, he'd be her EX.
If they were engaged, he'd be her FIANCE.
If they were married, he'd be her HUSBAND.
If they were separated, he'd be her SOON-TO-BE EX.
If they were divorced, he'd be her EX-HUSBAND.
If they had hooked up one time, he'd be her BABY DADDY.
If she didn't know who the dad was, he'd be her BABY DADDY.
If they were "sex-friends" but had no relationship, he'd be her BABY DADDY.
 And for the record, "The Father of My Child/ren" would work in any of those situations and be considered respectful.  

Maybe that's just my personal opinion of the definition of "baby daddy."  So I looked it up on Urban Dictionary, obviously.  Come to find out, my opinion on BABY DADDY's was completely correct.  So, at the bottom of the status I wrote...

This was in no way intended to be controversial or offensive. Instead of stepping on EVERYONE's toes by explaining what I meant, my opinion of divorce, or even clarifying what I meant by this status...if you have any further questions please refer to the following website.

The first definition is about black men, and I really hope this status doesn't take me down that road.  I'm just so MAD at this situation!  I feel like my beliefs were attacked, my cousin tells me I'm going to cheat on my husband, and a dear friend of ours who was AT THE WEDDING things that I'm wrong for my happy marriage?  I know that misery loves company, and that people want to justify their own wrong actions by trying to bring other people down with them...I'm just upset.  The whole things begs the question, 

Am I naive for thinking this will never happen to me? 


Tamara said...

I don't think you're in the wrong at all. That is one thing I hate about Facebook - you can't express any opinion without someone getting offended and taking it too far. I totally agree, they're leaving those comments because misery loves company... ugh! I'm so sorry you've had all this unnecessary drama!

Amber in South Carolina said...

Ay carumba. It's always the simple comments that you make and never think of twice that you get the most flack for, right?

I think using the term baby daddy is actually a judgement in itself. Based solely on the way that baby daddy is used in society. I hate hearing people use it. Like you said call the father of your child My baby's Dad. So much different. I think calling him baby daddy is showing a lack of respect as a person. And if the other person can tell you don't respect them, how are you expected to parent together? Sorry I didn't realize I felt so strongly about that!

And to answer you final question, No, I don't think you're naive. Yes, marriages fall apart (for so many reasons) but why would you want to start your marriage thinking about that? I mean who wants to imagine what life would be like divorced. I don't think anyone wants to.

I feel for your friend in this post and I'm sure she's in a lot of pain and maybe your status caught her on a bad day, bad moment. I'm going to guess her response is less about you and your marriage and more about what she's going through.

So sorry for the lenghty reply!

Bethany said...

If you don't want children then you don't want them. Plain and simple; and no one should judge you for that. The woman at the eye doctor was extremely unprofessional and I would have to call and complain.. that is rediculous! Unfortunately, some people butt in when they have no ground to stand on but as Christians we have to learn to refrain. I am SO guilty of this.. but facebook should not cause stress or drama. If it does then you know it is not OF GOD and therefore needs to be out of your life, ya know? So.. I would delete the comments you are not happy with and move on.. if they get offended and send you a message just explain to them that you did not mean for the subject to be controversial and you did not want those comments on your fb page because they are not how you want your page represented.

Jennifer said...

I think it's kind of rude for anyone to say anything negative about you or your marriage period. No one knows your relationship like you do! And I love the part where you said "and I wouldn't call God my baby daddy" I'm a newish follower..

♥ ♥ Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier ♥ ♥ said...

You are not Naive at all. No one goes into a situation thinking oh in so many months this is going to happen. You know the type of relationship you have and some people (like you & I) will do anything in the world to get over and bump in the road and others simply give up. You & your husband are the only ones that know what is going on between you and for anyone to judge that is just plain rude and hateful and probably is having problems of their own that they dont want to admit.

Gwen @ The Bold Abode said...

I hope not, because that is how I feel. We've had good times and some tough times, but I couldn't imagine ever parting. And I know the character of my husband. He's real and true and honest and the most ethical person I have EVER known. So if something were to go horribly wrong, it would probably be because of me. I am blessed. But I also know it can happen, and I have seen it happen. And it is heartbreaking.

lilmoomoo said...

this is a prime example of what drives me BATTY about the internet.
PPL get soooo offended by the smallest things, and feel like they are supposed to air their concerns and problems.. when in real life, they probably wouldn't, and would probably be able to understand where you were coming from more so, since it would be said in person...

ANYWAY. about your status.. I really wouldn't worry about it. You didn't mean anything by it. It's your facebook. You should be able to say whatever you want (within reason) and not have ppl jump down your throat about it.

I think you are being positive. Who wants to go through life saying.. OH well. IF we ever get divorced.. IF this happens.. blah blah.
Live and love in the moment :) and don't worry about the ppl that have to say...
I will say, I agree with another commenter who said that your friend was probably having a bad day, and this might have struck a nerve with her... and I think she was probably just trying to show you the other side of things.. but your cousin... she needs to be smacked. LOL. obvi she doesn't read your blog right? HAHA

lilmoomoo said...

oh. in the heat of all that drama I was commenting on, I forgot to say, I think it is great that you and your hubby talked about what would constitute as grounds for a divorce, and whether or not you would agree with having one.. etc.
Snookums and I have also discussed. We have both decided that we will NOT GIVE UP, and give it a "second chance" if anything was to ever happen (Within reason..)

O.k. Wrote you a full novel now.. :)