Not About The Conference

Several of y'all have asked me how Women at Crossroads turned out.  It was amazing.  Hopefully I'll blog all about it soon, but not today.  
When going through difficult times, a common piece of advice is to concentrate on the good things.  I'm going through something rather difficult right now.  Well, I guess I should say that "we" are going through something difficult but it doesn't feel like we're going through it together.  Maybe the best thing for me to do would be to truly put my focus on good things, like the conference.  But honestly, I just can't do it right now.  The conference was absolutely amazing.  It was such a blessing and I'm so happy with how it turned out.  When I write about it, I want to be in a good mood and I want to be INTO IT, you know?  
If I've said it once, I've said it 1,000 times.  This blog is my diary.  I try to be so honest about all the things that happen in my life as the semi-new Mrs. Robinson.  Saturday was our 9 month wedding anniversary.  We spent it pretty furious at each other.  Part of me wants to write it all out because writing is an outlet for me.  The other part of me wants to keep everything inside because putting writing makes it real.  It gives these problems roots, so to speak, and these problems....well, they're problems I have no interest in having.  I know that nobody ever wants to have problems.  But I so badly don't want to have these particular problems, you know?  I'm probably not making any sense at all.  And that's okay, I guess.  
I'm usually an emotional eater.  Last night I ate some little snack bar around breakfast.  I stayed home with what felt like a migraine...my head just felt so heavy & it throbbed.  I slept most of the day.  Mr. R made dinner and I ate a little, but my appetite wasn't normal.  I've felt queasy and not like myself.  I feel anxious and my heart won't stop racing.  I'm tired.  I'm feeling broken & defeated, and I'm scared.  A big part of this is fear.  I know I have to trust God...I know that.  I need to let Him turn my mess into a message.  But it goes back to the fact that I have no interest in having these problems.  I don't want them.  I don't want to be here.  I don't want this.  It makes me mad that I'm having to deal with this.  It's frustrating to deal with emotional problems that apparently are genetic.  So..if you pray, keep me and my husband in your prayers.  Hopefully I'll be back to blogging soon...