The Day That Changed Everything

I'll start from the beginning...
In 2007, Mr. Robinson and I were strangers.  We were both choosing where we would attend college and had narrowed it down to two choices.  We had the same two choices and ended up attending the same college, but never met each other there.  Since we feel like God brought us together, we like to think that we would have met even if we had chosen the "other" college.  But, that's irrelevant...what is relevant is that two kids from two different towns made a decision to be in the same place at the same time.  
Mr. Robinson made much better choices than I did, and got involved in Campus Outreach at the college.  Over time, a guy named Jeff became his best friend.
 I made quite different choices, and got involved with drinking, drugs, & living the party life.  Over time, a guy named Gibo became my best friend. 
Fast-forward a bit.  Gibo & Jeff are co-workers at Ruby Tuesday.  Gibo got me a job there, and 4 months later Jeff got Mr. Robinson a job there as well.
You know the drill from here.  We met, fell in love, & got married.  We both decided to get big-kid jobs and Mr. Robinson started working at a Finance Company in town.  I started working for my family's business.  Mr. R hated his job and I loved mine.  
We applied for a mortgage in the town we were living in and got denied, forcing us to move into my parent's home an hour away.  Once we had moved, Mr. R was able to get his job transferred to a nearby town.  
By working at this particular location, he met a man who worked for Edward Jones, a commission-based finance company.  Mr. Robinson, still hating his job, decided to check it out.  When it turned out to not be the best choice for us at the time, he eventually started working at Aflac after much prayer.  We felt like that's what God wanted us to do. 
Working for Aflac made so many things possible.  Mr. Robinson worked a lot less, but also made a lot less money.  In his free time, he day-dreamed of seminary and couldn't seem to get it off his mind & heart.  We also learned that we could survive off of my income only, even though I wasn't making an extraordinary salary.
During this time was when the Women's Conference at church happened.  I had known that Mr. R felt called to serve, but I was always afraid that I didn't have the necessary skills to serve beside him.  The Women's Conference calmed me, and I realized that God had given me some pretty amazing skills that I could use to better serve Him.  
This past weekend, something came about about Charlotte.  I told him, "We could move to Charlotte."  He thought I was joking.  On Monday, he found a seminary to check out.  We decided to look at apartments that were in the area while we were in town, since we live over 3 hours away.    Mr. R set up a tour at the seminary and set appointments to view some nearby apartment complexes on Thursday.  
As planned, we went to Charlotte yesterday.  I gave you all of this background to document all of the different, seemingly random things that had to fall perfectly into place for this to work out the way it did.  Which brings me to the day that changed everything.  
We toured the campus.  It was small, but nice.  Our tour guide introduced us to several different professors, and we liked everyone we met.  I remember thinking about how everyone always wants to separate church & state, church & school, church & politics...but at the seminary, everyone talked about God.  People prayed for us, and it was a totally different experience that we both loved.  Everyone was so nice...they were all filled with the joy only Jesus can give.  We went out to lunch with the Dean of Admissions.  We were able to talk about the school's doctrines and ask lots of questions.  We learned that we agreed with everything the school represents.  On the way back to campus, the DoA mentioned that some of Mr. R's favorite pastors attended the same type of seminary.  I knew right then that we were moving to Charlotte, even thought my husband had not yet made his official decision.  Once we were back on campus, they split us up - Mr. R met with their Old Testament professor and I met with their Dean of Women.  I adored her...she was the older version of myself.  I especially loved that she goes out of her way to make the spouses of seminary students feel like part of a community.  I learned that I can even sit it on any class Mr. R takes and get credits for them, without having to pay for anything extra.  After our individual meetings, we met back up to visit again with the Dean of Admissions.  He gave my husband several books, some written by one of their professors.  We discussed the different programs offered, tuition, book costs, and application process.  We learned that Mr. R can get a scholarship that pays for HALF of his tuition just for being involved with Campus Outreach in college.  He would be able to start classes July 30th - as in THIS MONTH.  We left feeling very good about this particular seminary.  I was completely at peace and felt happy.  
We went to an apartment complex less than a mile from the seminary.  It was everything we wanted - pet friendly, one bedroom, affordable, new, clean, nice, nearby seminary, in a safe part of town, and it even had things that weren't a priority for us.  The complex has two pools and a fitness center.  :)  We liked what we saw, and when our sales lady asked if we wanted to fill out an application we went to the car for a little chat. We talked, and felt at ease about it.  Yes, it was crazy fast - but that's just how we operate.  Haha!  So, we went inside and she offered to cut the application fees in half.  We agreed to fill out the applications.  Before she ran our credit reports and everything, she told us that if something came back "flagged" we may have to pay a security deposit.  {I knew we would have to pay a security deposit.  I made bad choices in college and ruined my credit.  I applied for a Belk card a month ago and was denied...I was thinking we'd probably need a co-sign on the lease AND pay a security deposit.}  A few moments later, the report comes back that we were 100% approved with no security deposit required.  My jaw almost hit the floor.  It was my favorite part of the day because it felt like SUCH a God-thing.  
So...yesterday was the day that changed everything.  We're moving to Charlotte in a month for my husband to attend Seminary.  
This means so many heartbreaking things...like me leaving my job at the family business, leaving my parents & family, leaving our home... but, God will provide.  He will take care of us on this crazy new adventure we're about to start.  I've cried my fair share of tears over this, trust me.  I started to tell my dad on the phone last night, and had to hand the phone over to my husband because I was sobbing too hard to speak.  BUT, I am happy.  I am excited.  I am supportive.  Most importantly, we are being obedient.  
Here's to the craziest month of our lives...so far... :)  

Women at Crossroad's Recap

I have talked and talked and talked about Women at Crossroads, and I'm finally going to tie up all the lose ends and give everyone a break on the topic.  Until next year.  {Because there will hopefully be a next year!}
In this post I talked about how excited I was to finally see the conference materialize.  The whole thing started in March, and the thought of pulling a conference together in three months was a little overwhelming.  I wrote about my battle between peace and anxiety over what might happen at the conference.  And then in this post I wrote the day before the conference, I expressed my fears and frustrations.  All a part of the process, or so I'm told.  So I want to start this post out with a big "thank you."  So many of y'all offered me encouragement while my head was spinning off into another dimension.  Every comment and e-mail helped calm me down.  Not to mention all of the prayers that were said for this conference.  I can tell that tons of prayers went up for Women at Crossroads because the end result was more amazing than I could have ever imagined.  =)  

   June 8 & 9, 2012

Friday, June 8:  6:30 pm - 8:30 pm

We started off in the Fellowship Hall.  You'll notice in the pictures that everyone "working" the conference was dressed in black and had pink lanyard name tags around their necks.  Guests were met by some ladies from our church passing out goody bags.  The goody bags were absolutely amazing.  I was so pleased with them.  Every guest got one, and every bag included a Gideon's Bible, an Itinerary for the weekend, spray hand sanitizer, a Women at Crossroad's notepad, a pink Women at Crossroad's click pen (who doesn't love a good click pen?!), some scripture tracts, mints, gum, a pack of Kleenexes, and a registration card.   We also had sticky name tags for everyone so that we could hopefully learn names and make strong connections with everyone who attended.

Then, we had a little station set up for mom's to sign their children in to child watch services.  We didn't know most of the children or mothers, so we had a system where each child got a numbered name tag and the mom's got their number.  To pick their children up, they had to have the right number.  We also got the mom's name, child's name, and any special care instructions.  

Then, we all ate dinner together.  My sweet daddy and some other men from the church spent all day Friday bbq-ing chicken.  

We had lots of wonderful helpers in the kitchen, including my darling husband.  =)  He was so supportive of the entire thing and I can't sing his praises enough.  

It was so great to see different races mingled together in an all-white church.  Where we live, going to church is very much a family event and churches tend to be either all black or all white because of it.  It was great to have both.  =)  

After everyone had fully tummies, we moved into the sanctuary.  We borrowed furniture from a local furniture company to decorate the stage.  Even though the conference was obviously held at a church, I wanted to make sure everyone felt comfortable and casual all weekend, free to be themselves.

  Another thing I loved about the conference was the mixed-up order of everything.  It was so different from a regular church service, and I loved the "spice" of doing things out of the ordinary.  A local lady sang for us and led us in a praise and worship song.  Her voice gave me goosebumps.  Our main event for the night was a speaker named Maria Owens.  She's regionally renowned and does conferences all over the southeast.  You may have heard of her - her name is Maria Owens.  She has such an amazing story and the fact that she came to our little hick-town conference was icing on the cake.

After the conference was over, everyone was invited back to the Fellowship Hall for dessert and coffee.

  We encouraged everyone to come back fro Saturday but some people let us know they wouldn't be able to.  Still, everyone was just overflowing from what happened Friday night.  We cried, worshiped, held hands, praised God, and were ourselves.  Everyone in the Fellowship Hall was bubbling over.  Later, my dad told me he looked at my husband and said to him "Look what our girl did," and Mr. R got choked up and couldn't respond.  That just melts my heart.  =)  And not to toot my own horn in ANY way, but I was just so emotional the entire day because God gave me this idea.  I was obedient, and everything that happened was because of HIM and not me...but a part of me just could not believe the amazing thing I had put together.  It was a late night & Saturday would be an early morning, so after everyone left we cleaned up and headed home to get some rest lay in bed and think about everything, unable to sleep because of the excitement.  =)

  

Saturday, June 9:  9:30 am - Noon

Saturday was a completely different format from Friday.  We did start out with food again, breakfast in the Fellowship Hall.  We chowed down on fruit, cereals, granola bars, yogurts, muffins, and topped it all off with juices or coffee.  Then we headed on over to the Sanctuary again where one of our church members briefly discussed the good and bad girls of the Bible.  It was really cool to hear about the bad girls who had happy endings.  Obviously those are stories I can relate to pretty well.  We had more praise and worship music, and we even had a little comedy skit that had us all laughing to tears.  Then, we broke off into small groups that met in classrooms.  We had five topics and everyone got to choose two classes to attend.

The topics were:

1. Sexual Abuse - led by a woman who was sexually abused by her uncle and cousins from the age of 3 until she was a young teenager.
2. Depression - led by a woman who struggles with clinical depression, an inherited  from her father who committed suicide
3. Being a Single Mom - led by two single mother's with completely different circumstances and upbringings
4. Drug & Alcohol Abuse - led by me, having struggled with drug & alcohol abuse from the age of 14 to 22.
5. How Well Do You Know Your Women - led by a church elder, discussing women of the Bible further and the importance of being well-schooled on them

After the second class, we invited everyone back over the Fellowship Hall for prizes and dessert.  We had a table of prizes set up and we drew from the registration cards.  We gave away Bath & Body Works candles, lotions, and body sprays; local cookbooks; a ton of items donated by Tupperware; devotional books, Christian CD's; a wax warmer and three different wax scents; some Christian comedy DVD's; and a set of stainless steel kitchen spoons with a canister.

Every single person in attendance got a prize because of the enormous amount of prize donations that were made by church members and local businesses.  We were also able to give away one grand prize...and the grand prize was a complete surprise to everyone attending and to most of the conference workers.  Only 8 people knew what the grand prize was in advance.  

Because of the generous donations of two local businesses, we were able to give away the living room set that was displayed on stage all weekend.  That's one sofa, one love seat, one chair, one coffee table, two end tables, two lamps, and a rug.  =)  

I want to share with y'all the story of the woman who won our grand prize.  Her name is Marian, and she's from Florida.  She has a son who lives here, and while visiting him she attended a church that advertised Women at Crossroads.  She thought it sounded interesting and decided she would come back up for another visit so that she could attend the conference.  I learned this because she was in one of my Drug & Alcohol Abuse classes.  She was the only one in the room I wasn't familiar with, so I asked her name.  She told me her name is Marian, and she told me why she was there.  She also told me, "You'll remember me."  Later that day, when I drew for the grand prize drawing of the living room set and pulled her name, she just erupted with tears.  The look on her face was of sheer disbelief.  After the crowd had calmed down, I went and talked to Marian.  She tearfully told me about her son and his family, and how much they struggle to make ends meet.  She wanted to give the living room set to her son because their living conditions are very poor.  I was happy that the living room set was going to someone in need.  She was happy because she was able to help her son in a way she would not have been able to, otherwise.  The fact that SHE won is a total God thing.  Can you imagine how many different things had to fall into place for a woman from Florida to be able to attend a tiny little first-time conference in South Carolina?  God put all the pieces together long before I ever came into the picture.  Every single thing about Women at Crossroads screamed to me...
God is Good.  =)  
I still can't believe that God used me in such a big way.  I would say I'm at a loss for words, but that's clearly not true based on the super long post I just wrote.  It was such a busy weekend, but it was such a blessing.  I'm honored and humbled that God chose me.  He picked me to lead this, and He made all the pieces fall perfectly into place every step of the way.  Every fear and frustration I had along the way was comforted by His shining perfection.  For the first time in my marriage, I feel good about serving along side my husband.  I feel like God used this conference to teach me so many things about Him, about others, and about myself.  I hope that He wants us to do this conference again next year.  I hope that the problems within our church clear up or that I can bring the conference with me wherever I go.  It was such a huge blessing...my cup runneth over...and through the conference I've been asked to serve in other ways in my community.  I am proof that God can take a mess and turn it into a message.  And I'm just so incredibly thankful.  To God be the glory.      

Anxiety, House Hunting, & A Call To Serve

I feel a little nervous writing this post, but I'm not really sure why.  Perhaps it's because I feel like there is much to be said about our marriage right now.  
Tomorrow at 2:15, I have a doctor's appointment to address my anxiety problems.  I've been thinking about this a lot lately because it's caused problems in our marriage and I hate that.  My mind is just going, going, going...and when I think about it, I can't seem to shake that anxiety that just rattles me to the core & makes my hands shake and my mind race.  The first time I ever experienced anxiety problems was during wedding planning, which is ridiculous because wedding planning is supposed to be fun and we hired a wedding planner.  There were some issues with different family members that I couldn't put off on our planner, but my stress level really should have been at a minimum as far as brides are concerned.  It put a strain on me, it put on a strain on our relationship and on some of my other relationships.  I ended up going to the doctor and he put me on anxiety medication to help me manage my feelings, but we both assumed that the emotional problems I was having was just a side effect of wedding planning.  As soon as the wedding was over, I stopped taking my medication.  Things calmed down, and although Mr. Robinson and I had a rocky start once we started life together, we both attributed it to problems associated with being brand new newlyweds.  After being married for a little over 9 months, we've noticed that we seem to get caught in a rather vicious cycle.  Mr. Robinson will do something that bothers me and I'll flip out.  Usually, the "thing" he does isn't a huge deal, but it bothers me in a huge way.  I fuss and complain and get super emotional and irrational.  His response is to get angry & lash out.  He says hurtful things that reflect the way he feels in that moment, which only make me more emotional.  Then the next few days get really awkward as we try to coexist without crossing paths because both of us are hurt and angry.  It's no fun to live like this, and last time we went through these motions, the thought occurred to me that "maybe I need to get back on my medication" and I said it out loud.  Mr. Robinson said "maybe you do."  Later, once our emotions had calmed down, we had a long talk and made up...but decided to at least talk to my doctor about it.  Anxiety/depression problems run in my family and have caused pain within my family.  If that's what this is and I catch it early, I should consider it a blessing.  But it's hard not to be angry at the fact that I may need medication to balance myself out.  I don't want these problems, even though they don't pop up very often.  Maybe once a month - sometimes more, sometimes less.  But they leave a lasting damage that I don't want.  So, we'll see what happens tomorrow.  Then Saturday, I think, we are meeting with a pastor/friend and his wife (who happens to battle anxiety and depression) and get an opinion on that side.  Hopefully we'll get some answers this week...it's just scary and annoying and embarrassing.  
Like I said, I've been thinking about it a lot lately.  If you've read all about my past, I allude to the fact that I spent part of my life "experimenting" with drugs and alcohol.  I abused different substances in different ways, but in reflecting...I'm starting to think that maybe my desire for those substances was coming from a desire to self-medicate.  And that makes me sad.
My main concern is my marriage.  We both say and do things in a moment of passion that leave permanent damage.  We can't take our words back, we can't take our actions back, and we can't erase memories.  Big fights have a way of haunting us...and I hope that by seeking professional opinions we can prevent those ghosts from finding us.  
Meanwhile.... back at the ranch....
We did some light house-hunting yesterday.  With the issues we have going on at church right now, the possibility of us finding a new church home has become rather real.  With that idea also comes the idea of relocating.  Nothing too drastic, but a move nonetheless (even if it would just be a move to a home 30 minutes away).  It was fun, but we realized how spoiled we are with all of the space & privacy we have in our current home.  We didn't see anything we liked enough to pursue, but it's always fun to daydream.  
In addition to all of that, Mr. Robinson is feeling a strong calling into the ministry.  And while at one point in my life a calling for him to be a pastor would have terrified me, I'm actually pretty cool with it this time.  Does it change my big "life plan?"  For sure.  But God's plans always turn out so much better than mine, anyway.  Back in January I wrote a post called Frying Chicken Never Saved A Soul.  It was about my husband's call to serve God and about my fears - because I felt like I had nothing to offer, no usable skills to serve God with.  But, the Women at Crossroads conference really changed my opinion of myself and my ability to serve God.  I'm at the point now where I think I could make a good Pastor's wife - with HIS help!  So...we'll see what happens next!  

Letters to Erry'body! =)

This has pretty much been how I've felt for the past week.

Dear Readers,

There are seriously no words to describe how grateful I feel for all of the encouragement you've offered me this past week.  In the past seven days, I've posted  1...2....3 really depressing posts.  And y'all left comments and sent e-mails and prayed for me & my husband.  Thank you endlessly...know that what y'all said to me helped.  And I promise this post is happy.  :)  Y'all are the best and even though my husband things I'm crazy, I'm so thankful for this community that I sort of stumbled into.

Dear Mr. Robinson,

I just love you.  It's been a rough week for us & I know I don't have to tell you that.  We've both felt some not-so-happy things.  But right now, in this moment, I'm just thankful to be on this journey with you.  There are lots of things on the horizon for us, perhaps even you becoming a Pastor someday, and it's exciting to think of all the possible adventures we could be starting soon.  I love you.  I support you.  You are the man.  I'm overjoyed to know that we will not let Satan win & that we are in this fight against him together - for better or for worse.  And also, I'm so glad (!!!!) this week is over.  Haha! 

Dear Momma,

I am pretty sure you don't read my blog.  But I've told you about it and given you a link, so it's possible.  Anyway.  Thank you for all you do for me.  Thank you for always having the best advice and for  being able to put me in my place by telling me when I'm wrong...because sometimes I' can't see it.  I love you & I'm thankful for you & the wisdom you speak into my life.  :) 

Dear God,

My prayer all week has been that you will heal my marriage, and now I'm praying that you will heal our church.  There is just so much going on right now - we are tired of trying to wrap our brains around something we may never understand.  We don't want Satan to win the battle for our church, and I don't want to give up on the souls within that church.  Maybe walking away from it all would be letting Satan win, but how can we stay associated with a church that's adding to the Bible?  Where is the line?  The victory is not ours to win... so I just pray that you'll guide our thoughts and actions so that we glorify You.  Your will be done, not ours..and I pray that You just reveal to us what You'd have us do in this incredibly difficult situation.

Satan,

Listen up.  You've been at my house, you've been at my heart, you've been at my church.  And you can take it somewhere else.  Do what you will to me, my family, the people I care about.  We will not stop serving our Father.  We will not turn from Him, because He is faithful and you are destructive.  You have nothing to offer.  I have no interest in you - I have no interest in entertaining you.  Consider yourself kicked out.  

Dear Church,

I have called you home for as long as I can remember, even when I was running from God I considered you my home church.  And I'm confused by learning things about you that I don't really think are very Christ-like.  There are so many things right now that I just don't understand.  I'm sure your opinion of me has changed.  I'm sure some of you think less of my husband and my parents.  But why?  I mean, how can you expect more out of us than Jesus does?    

 Dear Yoda,

You are turning out to be such a good dog!  I'm so happy we adopted you.  :)  You are slowly becoming house-trained, we are learning each other, and it's fun.  Your personality is so different from Zombie's.  You are very hard to photograph since you are solid black.  You have a fat tummy and you eat more than I would have guessed.  You're afraid of doors, which is weird.  You copy everything Zombie does and it's funny to watch.  It's fun when people compliment you - you have already been chosen over Zombie twice.  I think Zombie is a little jealous of the attention we give you.  Plus, you're really hyper and I think it gets on his nerves sometimes.  You're all puppy, and while that's fun...I do look forward to your "adult" years.  :)  A few things to remember:  mommy's a crazy driver & you're just going to have to adjust; stop taking Zombie's treats from him or you'll never be friends; stop making our home smell like really rank poo.  I love your floppy ears.  I love that you stay close when we're all outside.  You're a happy boy.  I'm happy you are ours & that we are yours.  :)  Welcome to the nut house family!  

Dear Zombie,

You'll always be my "first born."  We love you.  You get to snuggle at bed time and do things your little brother will probably never do.  I know you feel left out because of the attention Yoda's been getting.  But we love you.  You are enough - we didn't get another dog because you weren't enough for us.  You are!  But he needed us.  And I hope one day you like him!  =)

Dear Self,
Am I crazier for writing letters to you or for writing letters to two dogs?  The world may never know.  :)

Happy Friday Erry'body!

Oh, and I'm trying to do better about using Instagram to capture stuff since I've not been blogging as much lately.  So...if that kind of thing interests you, find me.  My insta-name is "KRob8fo3"  Kbye.