So far, I've only come across like 3 bloggers that live in South Carolina. The weather here has been gloomy for the past two days. I'm not sure how far that "gloom" stretches and I'm not going to look up the weather to see, but it's been oober-gloomy here and it sucks.
I've been feeling gross for about three weeks now. Three weeks ago, I had a migraine that lasted about 5 days. Two weeks ago, I was battling this nasty little cold/bug/virus thing. Just the usual coughing, sneezing, running nose, and pure + constant exhaustion. This week? I've just been feeling nauseous and yuck and just...worn out. And kind of depressed. I have no idea why. I just don't feel right and I don't feel like myself. I have no idea what's wrong and I'm refusing to go to the doctor without any real symptoms. Anyway, I still have to work my 40 hours each week and I'm just plain ol' pooped, y'all.
It's been making me a little grumpy and emotional.
My husband has a heart for missions, but we don't feel called anywhere as far as full-time mission work goes. I work in the family business and have a huge responsibility here, and it's just...complicated. We aren't going to just move somewhere unless we feel called or led by God. So we are staying put until that changes. We both get two weeks of paid vacation from our jobs, and we want to use one of those weeks to go on a mission trip somewhere. At church on Sunday, our Director of Missions told my husband and I about a mission trip to Africa that we could possibly participate in if we are interested. Our DOM gave my husband all of the information he would need to contact the man heading up this particular trip. The man in charge is named Mr. Wiles. Mr. Robinson had lunch with Mr. Wiles yesterday and they discussed the mission trip to Africa. Basically, there is one preacher in Kenya who is the "pastor" of over 60 churches. This pastor really needs help in organizing their church(es), recruiting helpers, delegating tasks, etc. A good bit of the mission trip would be devoted to setting up the church from a business standpoint. There would also be a great deal of training going on - so that the pastor and his helpers are more prepared or capable or knowledgeable in running a church. My husband has a degree in MIS - Management Information Systems. He is great at creating databases and setting up companies and Mr. Wiles is interested in using my husband to help lead this trip.
He's so excited. I'm excited for him. He has a heart for missions, and I can only imagine what it must feel like to do something you love (creating databases) to help spread God's word. I can only imagine.
My husband came home last night super excited about this amazing opportunity that has opened up to us. And I want nothing more than to follow God's will and be a light in a dark world. It's just...I have no skills to offer. I just cried and cried and cried...and I didn't want to talk about it with my husband. I was feeling unworthy of going, unworthy of my husband's love, talent-less and without skills, unqualified, unequipped, and beneath my husband. It was the most horrible feeling...
Mr. Robinson thinks that I'm being negative about mission work, and that's not it at all. He wasn't angry with me, but we was confused. I didn't want to tell him that I think maybe he married beneath him because I don't want him to realize that I have a point, or that I could be right.
I know that God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called. I know it and I believe it. But I feel like I have nothing to offer these people. I feel like I would go on a trip with my husband where he would be one of the lead players while I scampered around the edges, unsure of what to do. I'm not a teacher or a leader. I'm not good with children. I question myself when I work with adults - I think to myself who am i? My skills include cooking, crafting, writing, and making things pretty. Being able to fry chicken never saved a soul.
This is scary. I want nothing more than to talk to my husband about this, but I'm terrified to tell him that I feel beneath him. I don't want him to agree. Don't get me wrong, my husband loves me and would never tell me that I'm right in this situation. But he might think it.
I am feeling a little lost, and any advice from my sisters in Christ would be great. I don't know what to do. I don't feel called to do anything useful. I don't want to hold my husband back. I don't want to let the devil into our home and/or life. I don't want to miss out on something God wants for me, for us. I don't want my husband to realize that he married a woman with no talents or skills that are good for anything other than a pretty home and yummy food.