Monday, June 18, 2012

Anxiety, House Hunting, & A Call To Serve


I feel a little nervous writing this post, but I'm not really sure why.  Perhaps it's because I feel like there is much to be said about our marriage right now.  

Tomorrow at 2:15, I have a doctor's appointment to address my anxiety problems.  I've been thinking about this a lot lately because it's caused problems in our marriage and I hate that.  My mind is just going, going, going...and when I think about it, I can't seem to shake that anxiety that just rattles me to the core & makes my hands shake and my mind race.  The first time I ever experienced anxiety problems was during wedding planning, which is ridiculous because wedding planning is supposed to be fun and we hired a wedding planner.  There were some issues with different family members that I couldn't put off on our planner, but my stress level really should have been at a minimum as far as brides are concerned.  It put a strain on me, it put on a strain on our relationship and on some of my other relationships.  I ended up going to the doctor and he put me on anxiety medication to help me manage my feelings, but we both assumed that the emotional problems I was having was just a side effect of wedding planning.  As soon as the wedding was over, I stopped taking my medication.  Things calmed down, and although Mr. Robinson and I had a rocky start once we started life together, we both attributed it to problems associated with being brand new newlyweds.  After being married for a little over 9 months, we've noticed that we seem to get caught in a rather vicious cycle.  Mr. Robinson will do something that bothers me and I'll flip out.  Usually, the "thing" he does isn't a huge deal, but it bothers me in a huge way.  I fuss and complain and get super emotional and irrational.  His response is to get angry & lash out.  He says hurtful things that reflect the way he feels in that moment, which only make me more emotional.  Then the next few days get really awkward as we try to coexist without crossing paths because both of us are hurt and angry.  It's no fun to live like this, and last time we went through these motions, the thought occurred to me that "maybe I need to get back on my medication" and I said it out loud.  Mr. Robinson said "maybe you do."  Later, once our emotions had calmed down, we had a long talk and made up...but decided to at least talk to my doctor about it.  Anxiety/depression problems run in my family and have caused pain within my family.  If that's what this is and I catch it early, I should consider it a blessing.  But it's hard not to be angry at the fact that I may need medication to balance myself out.  I don't want these problems, even though they don't pop up very often.  Maybe once a month - sometimes more, sometimes less.  But they leave a lasting damage that I don't want.  So, we'll see what happens tomorrow.  Then Saturday, I think, we are meeting with a pastor/friend and his wife (who happens to battle anxiety and depression) and get an opinion on that side.  Hopefully we'll get some answers this's just scary and annoying and embarrassing.  

Like I said, I've been thinking about it a lot lately.  If you've read all about my past, I allude to the fact that I spent part of my life "experimenting" with drugs and alcohol.  I abused different substances in different ways, but in reflecting...I'm starting to think that maybe my desire for those substances was coming from a desire to self-medicate.  And that makes me sad.

My main concern is my marriage.  We both say and do things in a moment of passion that leave permanent damage.  We can't take our words back, we can't take our actions back, and we can't erase memories.  Big fights have a way of haunting us...and I hope that by seeking professional opinions we can prevent those ghosts from finding us.  

Meanwhile.... back at the ranch....

We did some light house-hunting yesterday.  With the issues we have going on at church right now, the possibility of us finding a new church home has become rather real.  With that idea also comes the idea of relocating.  Nothing too drastic, but a move nonetheless (even if it would just be a move to a home 30 minutes away).  It was fun, but we realized how spoiled we are with all of the space & privacy we have in our current home.  We didn't see anything we liked enough to pursue, but it's always fun to daydream.  

In addition to all of that, Mr. Robinson is feeling a strong calling into the ministry.  And while at one point in my life a calling for him to be a pastor would have terrified me, I'm actually pretty cool with it this time.  Does it change my big "life plan?"  For sure.  But God's plans always turn out so much better than mine, anyway.  Back in January I wrote a post called Frying Chicken Never Saved A Soul.  It was about my husband's call to serve God and about my fears - because I felt like I had nothing to offer, no usable skills to serve God with.  But, the Women at Crossroads conference really changed my opinion of myself and my ability to serve God.  I'm at the point now where I think I could make a good Pastor's wife - with HIS help!  So...we'll see what happens next!  



Anonymous said...

I definitely understand your frustrations and anger for thinking you need medicine, I would totally feel the same way. But, your marriage is more important than your pride. And Mr. Robinson is totally worth it :-)

Desiree said...

i can totally understand your frustration with your anxiety.. i was that way not too long ago, before i started turning to God actually and delving into religion/the bible more. I know you will come through it.

Bethany Scruggs said...

Hey booger bear. I really don't think it's anxiety - I went through the SAME thing. I really think it is just adjusting to a new life and learning how to deal with your emotions. When we get married we have to grow up quickly and women [being more emotional] struggle with the change more than men. I went on meds but quickly decided that daily medication just wasn't the life I wanted to live. I had to learn to bite my tongue and ride some things out.. and I had to learn to apologize. Like you said.. after things calm down you realiz how irrational you were... if you simply take the time to calm down FIRST you can avoid the irrational part. It's tough to swallow our pride sometimes... I think you can DEF do it without medication. :) I LOVE that he feels called into ministry.. and maybe that will help your marriage even more. I mean - a pastor cannot properly lead a congregation if he doesn't live that way at home! It could be an amazingly wonderful thing!! I LOVE YOU!!

Courtney B said...

Ok, you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about!! So please don't feel ashamed! I think going to a doctor is a great idea. Get some answers! If you choose not to get medication that's ok! I just think it would be a relief to talk to a professional and get some opinions. But if this runs in your family there is a real chance it could be affecting you!
I cut a strangers hair once, and he gave me the best advice EVER! He told me he NEVER calls his wife a bad name, and refrains from saying what he knows would hurt her most in a moment of heated argument. Because after the fight they could make up and love on each other again, but in the back of her mind she would never ever forget the mean things he said to her. And then she would always question how he felt about her. That really stuck with me because it's true! If Eric were to call me ugly (he never has) then every single time he told me I was pretty I would second guess it. You know? So that piece of advice from the stranger taught me to fight fair from the beginning of our marriage. Eric is still learning that part.... but it's coming along :)

Bronwyn @ Our Beautiful Blessings said...

I'm praying for you girl! I really hope that you can get your emotions all worked out. & I'll definitely be praying for your marriage & possible call into ministry

Ashley said...

I love how you are always so open and honest with us. I deal with anxiety too and have been off and on medications throughout the last 15 years. Nothing shameful in realizing maybe you need help and asking for it. :)

Kristen Seuberling said...

I am so glad you are seeing all of this in a positive light, and that your are finding ways to be better together. Thanks for being you, for being brave, for being honest. You go, girl!

Karrie said...

Bless your sweet soul!! I am smiling from ear to ear at the fact that you are being so open and proactive about this anxiety! Way to go! I've been dealing with anxiety most of my life! I can relate to what you say wholeheartedly!

On the topic of your marriage, habits are easily established and behavior habits in marriage are even more easily established. It's imperative that you and your husband break the habits in communication you have formed, do whatever you both need to do to break this cycle. I can 100% relate and to be honest, we've been on this ugly cycle for a few years now but lot's of work pays off. Couple's counseling, seminars, read read read! Anything you can to break the cycle! Prayers for you and I am here if you ever need to talk! Email is always open!!