This morning on my way to work, it was very foggy. I only live 5 minutes (or less) from the place that employees me, so it was a short drive through the fog. I really wanted to take a picture of the fog because it just looked the way I feel right now, but taking a picture would have meant pulling over, getting my maxi dress & toes all wet, looking like an idiot, waiting on a moment in time where NO cars or tractors or grandmas in robes were in the picture, and ultimately being late for work. So I decided to pull this picture off the internet, instead. So, this is pretty much what I saw on the way to work this morning, but without the snow because it's summer in South Carolina.
Anyway. It got me thinking about how I feel like I'm driving through the fog right now. This is a life analogy, so just stick with me.
I can't see in front of me. I don't know what is going to happen, I don't know what is next. I have no clue and I feel like I'm driving blind. Marriage is tough right now. I'm dealing with some emotional, chemical, or mental things right now that I don't even want to talk or think about. There are some really difficult things going on at our church that are scary. Through the women's conference, all of these doors are opening in front of me and it's so overwhelming. Do you know what's it like to have so many things right in front of your face, but all you see is fog? It's a horrible feeling.
My prayers right now are that God will heal my marriage, heal me, protect our church and lead us in His path, and guide me in the future. While the fog itself is scary, I know God is in there. I just hate the fog. I hate it so much. Like I said yesterday, I have no interest in having these problems but here they are.
I was talking with my mom earlier today. She reminded me that the devil is not all-knowing, so he was probably surprised by how wonderful Women at Crossroads turned out to be. People left blessed & encouraged, not because of me, but because I obeyed God. Now all of these doors are opening, giving me opportunities to reach more people by serving on a committee that organizes youth rallies and revivals, speaking to young teenagers to help prepare them for high school, speaking at high school functions... Satan sees these opportunities. He's angry at me. Satan has moved in my life through drugs & alcohol abuse and I'm using those things against him and for God. He's angry. I caught him off guard with Women at Crossroads, but I won't catch him off guard again. Cue the marriage problems, the emotional problems, the stress from church, etc. If Satan starts ripping at the seams that hold me together, will I still be so willing to serve my God? If my life is in shambles, will I continue to praise Him?
To be honest, nothing about my past says that I will. But in talking to my mom this morning, I feel a new sense of motivation to not let any of this beat me. Satan has been putting all sorts of lies in my head. He's been messing things up left and right, and I'm letting these things get to me. If I am defeated, Satan has won. And I've decided that I'm not going to let that happen. It doesn't matter what I can or can't see ahead of me. As far as I'm concerned, the fog can go hover elsewhere because I'm not going to let it intimidate me anymore.
Yesterday, Mr. Robinson saw a church sign that said "For every Goliath, there is a stone." I think it brought him some peace... we're still having problems. We're struggling. To be totally honest, things are really awkward at the Robinson house right now. We're in the thick of the fog. God is with us, with a big stone to throw at this big "Goliath" if we let Him.
I was listening to Pandora Praise & Worship this morning...and I've heard this song dozens of times, but it just gave me strength today. :) For some reason, I'm not able to embed a video in this post today so just click here.
I just want to my heart to stop racing...I want this anxiety gone.