So today, more-so than any other day, I turned it all over to God. And the peace.. that sweet peace, that washed over me once I'd given it all over to Him, is something that I'll never forget. My mind is no longer swimming with how to make people love me. My mind is no longer swimming with how to fix things that are wrong with my life. My mind is no longer swimming with the concern that I'll never be good enough to find my prince charming. I've given it all to Him. He will lead me now. And, I think that is the one piece of my life that I have always been missing.
I find myself in friendships or relationships that do nothing but tear me down. I find myself struggling with so much depression on how to fix the friendships that have gone so terribly wrong. Or how to fix a relationship that is at this point, absolutely lost and not what I need in my life. He has been pulling me to Him more so than I could've ever imagined. I can't help but find myself thankful for the situations and hardships that have lead me to begin this new journey of discovery.
The majority of my life, my friends shoved religion down my throat. Getting mad at me for not following their rules. For not going to bible study or church with them... essentially shunning me. They failed to realize that each person finds God in their own ways. I am not someone that gives into things just because others want me to, ESPECIALLY such a close, personal relationship with God. I am not a perfect woman. I will never be a perfect woman, nor will I ever live a perfect, sin-free life. But finally, at the age of 25, I have realized that the only way to continue to live my life, is to have a relationship with the one who ultimately created me.
The changes going on inside of me are humbling. I feel like I'm rediscovering, or newly discovering, parts of me that have been long gone, or that I never knew existed. I've spent many, many years fighting with myself. Picking apart the pieces of me that I felt were wrong, or ugly. I've spent many many years carrying baggage and heartaches... wondering why I've never been good enough, strong enough, pretty enough. But here, now, in this moment.. I realize that I've ALWAYS been good enough, strong enough, pretty enough... in His eyes. I will never be a perfect woman and I certainly haven't lead a perfect life, nor will I.. But in His eyes, I will always be perfect. And amazing. And I need to grow in my relationship with Him, before I can grow in my personal relationships. He has been hitting me with hurricane force lately, with the situations I've found myself in. He has been talking to me... even when I wasn't listening.
I am humble on my knees tonight.
I have found the piece of me that was missing. Not a man. Or a best friend. Or food. Or a car.
God. and only Him.
It only took 25 years.