Anxiety, House Hunting, & A Call To Serve

I feel a little nervous writing this post, but I'm not really sure why.  Perhaps it's because I feel like there is much to be said about our marriage right now.  
Tomorrow at 2:15, I have a doctor's appointment to address my anxiety problems.  I've been thinking about this a lot lately because it's caused problems in our marriage and I hate that.  My mind is just going, going, going...and when I think about it, I can't seem to shake that anxiety that just rattles me to the core & makes my hands shake and my mind race.  The first time I ever experienced anxiety problems was during wedding planning, which is ridiculous because wedding planning is supposed to be fun and we hired a wedding planner.  There were some issues with different family members that I couldn't put off on our planner, but my stress level really should have been at a minimum as far as brides are concerned.  It put a strain on me, it put on a strain on our relationship and on some of my other relationships.  I ended up going to the doctor and he put me on anxiety medication to help me manage my feelings, but we both assumed that the emotional problems I was having was just a side effect of wedding planning.  As soon as the wedding was over, I stopped taking my medication.  Things calmed down, and although Mr. Robinson and I had a rocky start once we started life together, we both attributed it to problems associated with being brand new newlyweds.  After being married for a little over 9 months, we've noticed that we seem to get caught in a rather vicious cycle.  Mr. Robinson will do something that bothers me and I'll flip out.  Usually, the "thing" he does isn't a huge deal, but it bothers me in a huge way.  I fuss and complain and get super emotional and irrational.  His response is to get angry & lash out.  He says hurtful things that reflect the way he feels in that moment, which only make me more emotional.  Then the next few days get really awkward as we try to coexist without crossing paths because both of us are hurt and angry.  It's no fun to live like this, and last time we went through these motions, the thought occurred to me that "maybe I need to get back on my medication" and I said it out loud.  Mr. Robinson said "maybe you do."  Later, once our emotions had calmed down, we had a long talk and made up...but decided to at least talk to my doctor about it.  Anxiety/depression problems run in my family and have caused pain within my family.  If that's what this is and I catch it early, I should consider it a blessing.  But it's hard not to be angry at the fact that I may need medication to balance myself out.  I don't want these problems, even though they don't pop up very often.  Maybe once a month - sometimes more, sometimes less.  But they leave a lasting damage that I don't want.  So, we'll see what happens tomorrow.  Then Saturday, I think, we are meeting with a pastor/friend and his wife (who happens to battle anxiety and depression) and get an opinion on that side.  Hopefully we'll get some answers this week...it's just scary and annoying and embarrassing.  
Like I said, I've been thinking about it a lot lately.  If you've read all about my past, I allude to the fact that I spent part of my life "experimenting" with drugs and alcohol.  I abused different substances in different ways, but in reflecting...I'm starting to think that maybe my desire for those substances was coming from a desire to self-medicate.  And that makes me sad.
My main concern is my marriage.  We both say and do things in a moment of passion that leave permanent damage.  We can't take our words back, we can't take our actions back, and we can't erase memories.  Big fights have a way of haunting us...and I hope that by seeking professional opinions we can prevent those ghosts from finding us.  
Meanwhile.... back at the ranch....
We did some light house-hunting yesterday.  With the issues we have going on at church right now, the possibility of us finding a new church home has become rather real.  With that idea also comes the idea of relocating.  Nothing too drastic, but a move nonetheless (even if it would just be a move to a home 30 minutes away).  It was fun, but we realized how spoiled we are with all of the space & privacy we have in our current home.  We didn't see anything we liked enough to pursue, but it's always fun to daydream.  
In addition to all of that, Mr. Robinson is feeling a strong calling into the ministry.  And while at one point in my life a calling for him to be a pastor would have terrified me, I'm actually pretty cool with it this time.  Does it change my big "life plan?"  For sure.  But God's plans always turn out so much better than mine, anyway.  Back in January I wrote a post called Frying Chicken Never Saved A Soul.  It was about my husband's call to serve God and about my fears - because I felt like I had nothing to offer, no usable skills to serve God with.  But, the Women at Crossroads conference really changed my opinion of myself and my ability to serve God.  I'm at the point now where I think I could make a good Pastor's wife - with HIS help!  So...we'll see what happens next!  

Before - How - After {Jesus}

Testimonies always start with how a person was raised.  So, I'll start there.

Before  

For the most part, I was raised in a Christian home.  My mom was a Christian - she took us to church and kept us involved.  My dad didn't go to church until I was a little older, but later he became a strong Christian and has even served as a Deacon.  I am my parent's firstborn child.  I'm also the oldest grandchild.  My family had high hopes for me and there was a lot of pressure to make everyone proud.  I was baptized as a young child because I didn't want to be the last kid to go forward at church.  Nothing too out of the ordinary with my upbringin'.  When I was in the 8th grade, I got my first kiss and smoked my first cigarette.  I was the new kid at school and loved all the attention I got.  I think I sort-of got addicted to the shock-and-awe attention from my classmates.  Fast forward to high school.  I lost my virginity to a boy I knew I'd be with forever, except forever only lasted a year.  I dated a string of boys and men, and get deep into the party life.  By 15, I was smoking cigarettes, sneaking out, drinking daily, drinking and driving, sleeping with my boyfriends (some my age-ish, some adults), lying to my parents, cussing like a sailor, smoking pot, taking prescription pills, going to parties... it was all so easy to get sucked in.  I lost a lot of friends...a lot of girls talked bad about me.  I went to a church camp in the 10th grade, where I felt God speaking to me.  I rededicated my life and even got baptized again - I wanted it on the correct side of my salvation.  But..it didn't stick.  It was too easy to have "fun."  People from school called me a slut, a drunk, a party-girl, a pot head.  It hurt, but I was having fun and just called them "jealous."  My parents and I argued all the time, about everything from grades to where I was, who I was with, and the boys I dated.  College was the same.  I was always skipping class to get drunk or high.  I dated another string of boys.  I started selling pot to make some extra money on the side.  When my parents found out I was teaching my sister everything I knew about buying, selling, and smoking pot...the gravy train ended.  They stopped paying my rent, stopped giving me money at all, and said they would no longer be paying my tuition.  I deserved it...but I was so angry at them.  Our relationship crumbled, and so did I.  I dropped out of college, started waiting tables full time at Ruby Tuesday.  I pretty much stayed in a stupor for a while...I used a variety of drug and alcohol combinations to stay numb.  Eventually, I met Mr. Robinson.  We fell in love and I knew if I had any chance of holding onto this guy, I would have to change my ways.  He was, after all, a Christian.       

How

Mr. Robinson taught me all about unconditional love.  He loved me even though I kept hurting him and pushing him away.  He tried to talk to me about Jesus all the time, but I didn't want to hear it.  One night, when I was at a low point, he invited me to church with him.  I accepted, even though I was terrified.  My parents came to go to church with us, and gradually the relationship I had with them improved.  Mr. Robinson made me so happy...he made me realize that the only reason I felt like I had to stay drunk or high was to forget my reality.  If he could be reality, I'd have nothing I needed to forget.  I stopped smoking pot and partying.  I told him that I loved him and meant it.  I already knew he loved me, but he said it back anyway.  We made it official - we were "boyfriend and girlfriend" after almost 6 months of him trying to woo me and me scampering away.  He gave me a journal and I started to pray and read my Bible.  I asked God to forgive me and I started to work on the relationship I had with Him...and on all the relationships I had damaged over the years.  Again, I lost a lot of friends.  My drinking buddies and drug dealers didn't think I was much fun anymore.  My definition of fun had changed without me even knowing it...  Within two weeks of us being official , we were planning our wedding.  :)  Another two weeks, I had an engagement ring.  God used Mr. Robinson to bring me back to Him.

After

I did so many things that I regret.  I'm thankful for where I am now, but there are so many mistakes in my past I wish I could have avoided.  But Jesus claimed my sins as His own and God forgave me.  I read my Bible because I want to.  I have a desire to learn more about God, to learn from the people He inspired, and to better myself.  I pray all the time - for others, for myself, and for my marriage.  I say thank You for the things I am thankful for and I love on the people I count as blessings.  I love going to church and being with with like-minded people, instead of dreading it like I used to.  I listen to the Praise and Worship channel on Pandora and praise God while I get ready for work.  I encourage other people, I invite other people to church because I want everyone to experience God's love, and I use the talents that God blessed me with for HIS glory.  When I'm upset about something, I pray.  I read my Bible.  I seek God.  I don't get drunk or high.  I ask God to be my strength and to get me through anything I go through.  I have faith that someone smarter & bigger than me has a plan for my life.  I know that there is a bigger picture out there that is fabulous, even though I can't see it.  I know that I have nothing to fear and I know who is in control.  I know that no matter where I am, who I'm with, or what I'm doing...God has given me a how-to manual.  I have peace, and it is well with my soul.  

  I hope that you know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior.  It has completely turned my life around and it truly does make all the difference!  If any of y'all have any questions, I'd be happy to share my knowledge and experience with you - leave a comment or e-mail me at MyNewWifeLife@aol.com.

Our Usual Fights {After 6 Months}

Maybe it's just a Robinson thing, but we seem to have the same fights over and over.  Marriage is a challenging and beautiful mess, and we're still learning our way.  We'll probably always be learning our way, but I thought it'd be interesting to write a post about what our current most common fights are.  Like I said, we seem to have the same fights set on repeat for some reason.  My mom says that her and my dad still have the same fights they've been having for 20+ years, and maybe all marriages are like that.

Some are petty and silly.  Some stay light while others can get pretty heated.  In any event, these are the fights we've been having up until the 6th month mark:

• Housework & Chores:  My mom, in my opinion, is close to perfect.  She also has a pretty ideal lifestyle - she's a housewife with a wealthy husband.  She spends her days cleaning their home, cooking amazing foods, working out, taking care of all the bills, reading her Bible, etc.  I grew up in a spotless home.  Absolutely spotless.  My mom is a clean freak.  My husband and I are living in the house I grew up in.  Except it's not so spotless anymore, since we both work 40+ hours a week and still try to find time to read our Bibles, remember to send off our bills on time, take care of the dog, juggle church and our other responsibilities, and I try to exercise.  Our plates are full, and all I want is to go to sleep every night in a clean house.  Oh, and I want my husband to help my achieve that.  We fight about chores all the time.  I hate how much I nag him....  I cook dinner, all I want is for him to help wash the dishes.  When we first got married, I wanted to clean the house little by little every day so that we would have our weekend set aside to relax and have fun.  He preferred that we use Saturday's as our housework day.  Except now that we spend every Saturday cleaning the house, he's decided that it's not necessary to sweep/mop/wash-dishes/clean-toilets/etc. once a week.  I can not get him to do yard work.  He has cut the grass a few times, but there are weeds everywhere, the bushes and hedges and trees and everything are out of control.  When he gets home, he checks the mailbox and brings the mail inside.  But instead of putting the mail away or throwing out the junk mail, he leaves piles of paper all of the kitchen counter.  He doesn't throw anything away.  I'm getting off track.  The point is that having a clean home is important to me.  It is not important to him.  We argue all the time about this because he either doesn't help, refuses to help, argues with me about why such&such doesn't need to be done, or complains about having to help.  And just so that y'all don't think my husband is the bad guy (because he really is a wonderful man & I love him very much!)...I turn into a big, fat, nagging wife.  Hence, the fight.  Which brings me to our next fight...     

• Why Do I Have To Ask You For Help?:  It drives me nuts that I have to ask my husband to help me do things.  I spend an hour cooking him dinner.  I get everything ready, fix his plate, hand him silverware, tell him what we've got to drink.  And he fixes his drink.  I just spent over an hour preparing a dinner for us.  Be courteous and fix us both a drink.  Does that make sense?  Or when the clean towels are in the dyer, we both have to shower to get ready for work, and he brings one towel into the bathroom.  This fight or always me fussing at him...it all boils down to I feel like I carry more weight than he does & shouldn't have to ask for help.  So I nag, fuss, complain and a verbal fight breaks out.  This one's probably our most common & most heated....probably because it always comes AFTER the first fight I mentioned, meaning that tempers and emotions are already running high.    

• Mr. Robinson's Compromise:  Whenever we talk about compromising, it seems like it's me asking my husband to compromise with me.  As a result, he naturally feels like I never have to compromise with him - which makes him less likely to willingly or joyfully compromise with me.  He doesn't see the compromises I make because I don't mention them or draw attention to them while I'm making them.  For example...he loves my spicy chicken nuggets.  He could eat them for dinner several times a week, while I would be satisfied with eating them once a month.  However, I cook them once a week anyway.  I don't say to him "Honey, I'd like to point out the fact that I'm compromising with you by cooking chicken nuggets for dinner.  I'd rather have {fill in the blank} but I'm cooking what you want instead.  I'm compromising...keep this in mind!"  I firmly believe that this has everything to do with him being an only child and me being the oldest sibling.  To be honest, it's probably a combination of us both being right.  We both compromise...I compromise often without calling attention to it (but not as often as I should/could), while expecting him to compromise all the time (big sister syndrome).    

• Visiting Other Churches:  My husband and I both adore our church, but occasionally he wants to go into the "big city" an hour away and visit larger churches that have a different type of worship service.  His favorite is a church that is quite similar to a rock concert...and I hate it.  I feel that it's irreverent and it makes me miss our home church.  Not to mention, I feel like as members of a church 5 minutes away from our home (and with it being a church we love and are very happy with) we have no business waking up an extra hour and a half early to go visit a church we aren't going to join, especially if I don't get as much out of that type of service.  

• I'm Sick of Boy Movies & He's Sick of TV Shows:  This one explains itself and is 100% two-sided.  I am always sick of watching boy movies, he is always sick of watching TV shows.  My Side:  Let's just watch an episode of Law & Order: SVU or House, fast-forward through the commercials, and it takes less than hour.  Then we can watch another episode or something else, or find something else to do, or go to sleep! His Side:  There are so many movies that you need to see - all you've ever watched are chick flicks.  You're missing out on some really great movies - and we watch SVU all the time.  Let's do something different.  And back & forth, back & forth, back & forth.  I feel like we should watch a show that we both enjoy rather than watch a movie that only he will enjoy.  However, my argument is void because he's sick to death of SVU & House.  

I love my husband and he loves me.  We don't hate each other, we don't fight all the time, and we have plenty of good days.  Both of us are committed to surviving every fight.  I'm sure this post implies that we fight like cats and dogs...but our reality is that we are two imperfect people who had one perfect day on September 10, 2011.  We looked our best, dressed our best, and acted our best.  It was perfect..

  "My New Wife Life" is a blog about our life ... after I took off my wedding dress &  after he took off his tuxedo.  And sometimes it sucks, because it's anything but perfect haha.