So, my dad and sister are both on depression/anxiety medication. I've always wondered if I inherited that trait, and if so...when would it decide to become evident in my personality & life? During a recent fight the hubby and I were having, I said "Maybe I just need to get back on my medication!" (I took anti-anxiety medication during wedding-planning). His response was..."Maybe you do." I'm not even going to go into a big long paragraph about how it feels to hear your husband tell you that you may need medication, haha, so we'll just skip right over that part. I made an appointment with my regular doctor, not a therapist. Mostly because my general care doctor knows me pretty well and treats me dad, so I could skip the full-on explanation with him. I knew he would refer me to a specialist if he deemed it necessary.
That appointment was yesterday.
We discussed anxiety as an inherited issue.We discussed anxiety as it negatively impacts my marriage.We discussed the possibility of my anxiety only recently presenting itself in my life because I've self medicated myself with drugs & alcohol throughout high school, college, & beyond.We discussed my fears about how taking medication might be me resulting back to drug-seeking behavior or using drugs to solve all my problems, take the easy way out, etc.And obviously, we discussed all of my symptoms.
He told us that there are three common misconceptions regarding depression or anxiety, none of which are true:(1) Taking medication is a sign of weakness.(2) If my faith was stronger, I could give this to God and let Him heal me.(3) I need to wake up tomorrow, make myself get over this, and no longer have this problem.
He compared depression and anxiety to diabetes. Is taking insulin a sign of weakness? Do diabetics have the luxury of praying their disease away and not taking insulin in the meantime? Can diabetics wake up and decide they aren't diabetics anymore? No. He said the same applies to chemical imbalances - it's just a different chemical than insulin. All of those things made me feel better and less embarrassed, and I think they may have helped my husband gain a better understanding.
I'm taking the off-brand version of Zoloft. I have another appointment in two months to evaluate the use of medication. So....that's where we are on the whole anxiety issue. Plenty of y'all have offered encouragement to me...and I deeply appreciate it. :) The anxiety isn't something I experience daily...so right now, I'm fine. Most of the time, I'm fine. Hopefully this medicine will keep me that way. =)
I feel a little nervous writing this post, but I'm not really sure why. Perhaps it's because I feel like there is much to be said about our marriage right now.
Tomorrow at 2:15, I have a doctor's appointment to address my anxiety problems. I've been thinking about this a lot lately because it's caused problems in our marriage and I hate that. My mind is just going, going, going...and when I think about it, I can't seem to shake that anxiety that just rattles me to the core & makes my hands shake and my mind race. The first time I ever experienced anxiety problems was during wedding planning, which is ridiculous because wedding planning is supposed to be fun and we hired a wedding planner. There were some issues with different family members that I couldn't put off on our planner, but my stress level really should have been at a minimum as far as brides are concerned. It put a strain on me, it put on a strain on our relationship and on some of my other relationships. I ended up going to the doctor and he put me on anxiety medication to help me manage my feelings, but we both assumed that the emotional problems I was having was just a side effect of wedding planning. As soon as the wedding was over, I stopped taking my medication. Things calmed down, and although Mr. Robinson and I had a rocky start once we started life together, we both attributed it to problems associated with being brand new newlyweds. After being married for a little over 9 months, we've noticed that we seem to get caught in a rather vicious cycle. Mr. Robinson will do something that bothers me and I'll flip out. Usually, the "thing" he does isn't a huge deal, but it bothers me in a huge way. I fuss and complain and get super emotional and irrational. His response is to get angry & lash out. He says hurtful things that reflect the way he feels in that moment, which only make me more emotional. Then the next few days get really awkward as we try to coexist without crossing paths because both of us are hurt and angry. It's no fun to live like this, and last time we went through these motions, the thought occurred to me that "maybe I need to get back on my medication" and I said it out loud. Mr. Robinson said "maybe you do." Later, once our emotions had calmed down, we had a long talk and made up...but decided to at least talk to my doctor about it. Anxiety/depression problems run in my family and have caused pain within my family. If that's what this is and I catch it early, I should consider it a blessing. But it's hard not to be angry at the fact that I may need medication to balance myself out. I don't want these problems, even though they don't pop up very often. Maybe once a month - sometimes more, sometimes less. But they leave a lasting damage that I don't want. So, we'll see what happens tomorrow. Then Saturday, I think, we are meeting with a pastor/friend and his wife (who happens to battle anxiety and depression) and get an opinion on that side. Hopefully we'll get some answers this week...it's just scary and annoying and embarrassing.
Like I said, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. If you've read all about my past, I allude to the fact that I spent part of my life "experimenting" with drugs and alcohol. I abused different substances in different ways, but in reflecting...I'm starting to think that maybe my desire for those substances was coming from a desire to self-medicate. And that makes me sad.
My main concern is my marriage. We both say and do things in a moment of passion that leave permanent damage. We can't take our words back, we can't take our actions back, and we can't erase memories. Big fights have a way of haunting us...and I hope that by seeking professional opinions we can prevent those ghosts from finding us.
Meanwhile.... back at the ranch....
We did some light house-hunting yesterday. With the issues we have going on at church right now, the possibility of us finding a new church home has become rather real. With that idea also comes the idea of relocating. Nothing too drastic, but a move nonetheless (even if it would just be a move to a home 30 minutes away). It was fun, but we realized how spoiled we are with all of the space & privacy we have in our current home. We didn't see anything we liked enough to pursue, but it's always fun to daydream.
In addition to all of that, Mr. Robinson is feeling a strong calling into the ministry. And while at one point in my life a calling for him to be a pastor would have terrified me, I'm actually pretty cool with it this time. Does it change my big "life plan?" For sure. But God's plans always turn out so much better than mine, anyway. Back in January I wrote a post called Frying Chicken Never Saved A Soul. It was about my husband's call to serve God and about my fears - because I felt like I had nothing to offer, no usable skills to serve God with. But, the Women at Crossroads conference really changed my opinion of myself and my ability to serve God. I'm at the point now where I think I could make a good Pastor's wife - with HIS help! So...we'll see what happens next!
This morning on my way to work, it was very foggy. I only live 5 minutes (or less) from the place that employees me, so it was a short drive through the fog. I really wanted to take a picture of the fog because it just looked the way I feel right now, but taking a picture would have meant pulling over, getting my maxi dress & toes all wet, looking like an idiot, waiting on a moment in time where NO cars or tractors or grandmas in robes were in the picture, and ultimately being late for work. So I decided to pull this picture off the internet, instead. So, this is pretty much what I saw on the way to work this morning, but without the snow because it's summer in South Carolina.
Anyway. It got me thinking about how I feel like I'm driving through the fog right now. This is a life analogy, so just stick with me.
I can't see in front of me. I don't know what is going to happen, I don't know what is next. I have no clue and I feel like I'm driving blind. Marriage is tough right now. I'm dealing with some emotional, chemical, or mental things right now that I don't even want to talk or think about. There are some really difficult things going on at our church that are scary. Through the women's conference, all of these doors are opening in front of me and it's so overwhelming. Do you know what's it like to have so many things right in front of your face, but all you see is fog? It's a horrible feeling.
My prayers right now are that God will heal my marriage, heal me, protect our church and lead us in His path, and guide me in the future. While the fog itself is scary, I know God is in there. I just hate the fog. I hate it so much. Like I said yesterday, I have no interest in having these problems but here they are.
I was talking with my mom earlier today. She reminded me that the devil is not all-knowing, so he was probably surprised by how wonderful Women at Crossroads turned out to be. People left blessed & encouraged, not because of me, but because I obeyed God. Now all of these doors are opening, giving me opportunities to reach more people by serving on a committee that organizes youth rallies and revivals, speaking to young teenagers to help prepare them for high school, speaking at high school functions... Satan sees these opportunities. He's angry at me. Satan has moved in my life through drugs & alcohol abuse and I'm using those things against him and for God. He's angry. I caught him off guard with Women at Crossroads, but I won't catch him off guard again. Cue the marriage problems, the emotional problems, the stress from church, etc. If Satan starts ripping at the seams that hold me together, will I still be so willing to serve my God? If my life is in shambles, will I continue to praise Him?
To be honest, nothing about my past says that I will. But in talking to my mom this morning, I feel a new sense of motivation to not let any of this beat me. Satan has been putting all sorts of lies in my head. He's been messing things up left and right, and I'm letting these things get to me. If I am defeated, Satan has won. And I've decided that I'm not going to let that happen. It doesn't matter what I can or can't see ahead of me. As far as I'm concerned, the fog can go hover elsewhere because I'm not going to let it intimidate me anymore.
Yesterday, Mr. Robinson saw a church sign that said "For every Goliath, there is a stone." I think it brought him some peace... we're still having problems. We're struggling. To be totally honest, things are really awkward at the Robinson house right now. We're in the thick of the fog. God is with us, with a big stone to throw at this big "Goliath" if we let Him.
I was listening to Pandora Praise & Worship this morning...and I've heard this song dozens of times, but it just gave me strength today. :) For some reason, I'm not able to embed a video in this post today so just click here.
I just want to my heart to stop racing...I want this anxiety gone.
